Tristan hasn’t been in hair and make-up for hours and he isn’t wearing a new Tagliatelle gown because he hasn’t been nominated for best fleece in a feature film.

Tristan isn’t playing the international jetsetter today, and hasn’t packed his bags for a day of meetings in the West Midlands. He doesn’t want to stand out so he isn’t wearing a pair of fashionable geekish specs and a satchel like them ones you used to have at school. He isn’t donning a too- small £3 school shirt from Tesco and he isn’t going to impress the Milton Keynes team witha badge he has made out of an actual banana and sellotape. Quelle orginale!

Tristan doesn’t smell of ethanol today because he hasn’t been drinking tequila and making abstract art out of glitter and pipe cleaners all weekend at a Hungy Mungy party in Dalston. He isn’t wearing a top hat that he didn’t make with a belt he didn’t make out of an atari joystick. Awesome.

Tristan isn’t feeling a little delicate today because he didn’t go out last night for dim sum at a pop-up restaurant in a disabled toilet. He isn’t keeping cosy in a pink snood that he didn’t steal from a little dog and he hasn’t got a little pair of mittens attached with string keeping his hands warm. He won’t be having a quiet night in tonight playing charades with his mirror, and I’m sure he won’t be feeling more spritely tomorrow. Toodlepipskoids x

WDTW wasn’t featured in South Africa’s best selling real-life stories magazine today so he’s not celebrating with a brand new navy blue jumper fleece from Ralph Lauren. He hasn’t teamed it with a pair of vivienne westwood pantaloons which he didn’t buy from some dodgy website. And to celebrate on theme he won’t be beaten up on his way home by a trainee vicar with a grudge.

Today isn’t an exciting day for WTDW! Tristan hasn’t been sent a load of free stuff from John Rocha, because they didn’t read the blog and didn’t think he needed some new threads. Soooo, he isn’t carrying all his pens and stuff in this gorgeous bag . And this crazy yeti coat didn’t arrive in the post so he’s not wearing that either. He won’t be warm tonight on his scooter ride home!

Tristan isn’t feeling pleased as punch today because he didn’t win a framed image from Getty at the SheSays Golden Stiletto awards because he hasn’t got a va-jay-jay. So he isn’t wearing a pair of sheer black tights with carefully placed holes and ladders in them and he isn’t barely covering his derrier with a canary yellow t-shirt dress he shoplifted from Urban Outfitters. Doesn’t the sailors hat he hasn’t topped it off with look cute??

Tristan hasn’t had a nice quite day at work today, so he’s not rushing off to do 27k on the treadmill. He’s not wearing a gorgeous burberry shirt and it doesn’t go perfectly with a pair of lovely charcoal pinstripe troosers. He hasn’t finished the outfit with a pair of black loafers and he hasn’t got to prepare for a big presentation in the morning so he won’t be staying in a watching Big Fat Hairy Labias on Channel 5.

Sorry yesterday’s post was so long. Aah what a lovely day today isn’t. Tristan isn’t glad it’s Tuesday. He hasn’t made a special effort today so he isn’t donning a hip vintage poncho that his wife didn’t knit for him. Under it he isn’t wearing a thermal vest and leggings. Tonight he won’t be cooking a delicious goat curry and drinking vodka and tonics with a slice of lemon. And he won’t be watching ‘Don’t Tell The Bride’.

Today it isn’t Tristan’s birthday so he isn’t wearing a party hat and he isn’t scoffing down a box of cupcakes from Columbia Rd. It might also explain why he isn’t wearing any shoes.